One of the things I have learnt over the years is that you never know who you are going to learn something from and when. I have had the pleasure in the last few weeks of meeting with two formidable young professional women in a mentoring capacity. I found our conversations enlightening and informative.

By co-incidence, both women are recently married, both to successful young men who are doing well in their chosen areas.  I was shocked to hear from both, quite separately, of the number of people who were asking them, when they were going to have children. Not just friends, but work associates as well. In today’s modern world, where people often enter into major events such as mortgages and parenthood without feeling the need to get married, why should marriage imply that parenthood swiftly follows?

Even more indignantly, why do people feel that they have the right to ask such personal questions? A million years ago, when I was asked the same question by my parents (only after I had been married a few years I might add), I made it clear it was none of their business. How much more so when the people asking the question are friends or work colleagues or supervisors? I did take a moment to wonder whether, in this world where Facebook and Instagram provide us with so many “friends” as well as a forum to share so much of our lives, these two things are colliding in a way that allow people to feel they can ask such personal questions.

But I digress. What was concerning to me was the questions both these women asked of me in relation to balancing work and parenthood. We are decades on from the start of women’s lib movement and pushing equality in the workplace. We’ve had a female Prime Minister (albeit one who wasn’t married and didn’t have children), a female Governor-General (who managed both) and currently have two female State Governors, a Territorial Administrator and a female Foreign Minister. We have a raft of successful female businesswomen, lawyers, doctors, directors, politicians and so on. Almost twenty years ago when I was considering having children, it didn’t occur to me that I wasn’t going to be able to continue to pursue my career. In fact, once I had the complicating factor of a second child I chose to leave the stability of tax law and pursue an entrepreneurial career.

I couldn’t have done it without the support of my husband and the fabulous assistance of a live-in nanny (which for the record was cheaper than any other form of paid-for childcare)*. In fact, part of my advice to both these women was that in any relationship there has to be an understanding and acknowledgement of both careers and the fact that there will be times when one career needs more effort and work and the other person may need to keep their career in a holding pattern as support. Trying to push two careers at the same time can be truly difficult – the added complication of children can make it even more complex.  Another aspect of advice was not to try to be all things to all people all the time.

The demands of work in this era of 24/7 make the desire to balance all of these things even more acute. Shortly after the second of these meetings, it was announced that Cameron Clyne, CEO of National Australia Bank, was going to step down due to the demands of his job taking him away from his family too much. There is no doubt that being the CEO of one of the top 20 banks in the world and the top four in Australia must be a demanding role. But what hope do young women have to aspire to the top, to “lean in” as Sheryl Sandberg would have them do, if one of the blokes can’t do it either?

Just to make it harder, CEOs are continually encouraged to set an example for their staff in having work-life balance and benchmarked against their peers. They need to be seen attending school functions (by their kids as well as the broader market) as well as fronting the media and analysts when required. How do we balance the wonders of 21^st century technology when information is, and always expected to be, at our fingertips all the time, yet we need time to still be face to face with the people who matter to us (meaning our partners, children and parents, not analysts and shareholder activists)!

When one reflects on all of this, it’s probably not all that surprising that so many talented women have chosen not to engage in the battle and rather cede the opportunities to others who aren’t as worried about ensuring they understand playground dynamics at the same time as commodity price dynamics.

There are so many different things at play: biological disposition; technological advances and society’s behaviour as a result; the competing demands of investors and analysts; personal family circumstances; physical and intellectual attributes. There is also no right answer. Equally there is no wrong answer. Awareness, understanding, consideration and support are what are called for. What and when each person decides to do with their personal and professional lives is their own business. Our role as a society is to enable each person to fulfil their own hopes and dreams without making it harder.

Coffee count: 275 coffees

* Watch out for a future post on the arguments for greater support for childcare rather than paid parental leave.